One of my favorite comic book tropes of all time is the What if…? premise. What if Spider-Man was a woman? What if Magneto was good and Xavier was evil? What if Batman was blind? What if Daredevil wasn’t? It’s just a step removed from fan fiction really but maybe that’s why it’s so entertaining and juicy; it’s blatant attempt at exploring geeky, stoner-ish lore in the manner of world-altering instead of the usual world-building.
What if American baseball was set up as Promotion and Relegation leagues instead of siloed corporate money-making machines where billionaires were untouchable and unaccountable for the demise of the team on the field and who were only interested in turning a profit? Let’s see!
Soccer leagues around the world don’t typically have divisions, all the teams are set up in a single table. MLS has divisions because it’s MLS and they want to be seen as a viable US league, not just as a viable soccer league. Because of this variable we’ll be taking Major League Baseball teams and their affiliate minor league clubs and ranking them from First to Worst based on winning percentage with tie-breakers being decided by run differential first and home wins second. I don’t know if this will work but it’s where we’re starting.
Starting with the top league we have the Boston Red Sox, Houston Astros, New York Yankees, and Oakland Athletic’s all qualifying to play in a Champions League in 2019. This Champions League doesn’t exist so maybe we’ll ponder how that would be created the pool of international leagues in a future post.
Now for the fun part, the part where greedy owners who care nothing about the sport have to eat crow, lose millions in advertising revenue and take their half-assed teams to play in the minors until they are one of the top 3 teams in the AAA league. This my American baseball friends is called relegation and it is a glorious boon to everyone except the aforementioned worthless billionaire owners. Playing in the inaugural 2019 AAA League (we’ll get shitty corporate brand sponsored names eventually, don’t worry you classless, cheesy Americans) will be the laughing stocks of MLB; The Chicago White Sox, Kansas City Royals, and Baltimore Orioles. The Royals won the damn World Series 3 years ago and now they’re not in MLB anymore?! Yes, that’s the beauty of it all.
So far this feels really good. Fantasy really is a powerful drug.
The three teams coming up from the AAA League and taking the Chi Sox, Royals, and Orioles hitherto unmovable pedestals will be; The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, Memphis Redbirds, and Fresno Grizzlies. Uh, we’re gonna need those shitty corporate sponsors working on some new team names too by the way (looking at you Iron Pigs).
It is my great honor to announce the relegated teams from AAA to AA for 2019 will be: The Buffalo Bisons, Sacramento River Cats, and Iowa Cubs. Well so far our experiment has proven one thing: you can lose a lot of baseball games even with a decent team name and you can win a lot of baseball games with a really bad team name (looking at you Iron Pigs).
Promoted up to AAA: The Corpus Christi Hooks, Bioxi Shuckers, and Altoona Curve.
Relegated down to A: The Springfield Cardinals, Frisco Rough Riders, and Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp.
Promoted to AA: The Bowling Green Hot Rods, Lakewood Blue Claws, and Quad Cities River Bandits.
Relegated out of professional baseball: The Lake County Captains, Dayton Dragons, and Hagerstown Suns.
Promoted to A: The Princeton Rays, Bluefield Blue Jays, and Ogden Raptors.
Relegated out of amateur baseball and into oblivion or a softball kegger league:
The Greeneville Reds, Burlington Royals, and Orem Owlz